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17 August 2009 @ 11:21 am
Fic: Torchwood Does Dallas  
TITLE: Torchwood Does Dallas
AUTHOR: capedcrusader92
RATING: R
SUMMARY: So I wrote a long, thoughtful, serious CoE fix (posted here! /shameless-self-pimp) which took things like character development and artistic integrity into account.
And then I said “Screw it,” and wrote this.
SPOILERS: Children of Earth, large portions of Season Two
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This owes its existence to conversations I had with kelticbanshee and ally_p_x, here and here (scroll up while you’re there and read ally’s story “A New Suit”, it’s completely brilliant), although they may not wish to be associated with my resulting mess story. ;-)
AUTHOR'S NOTE THE SECOND: This is now part of my series Five Ways the World Was Put Right.
DISCLAIMER: On a scale of One to Not Mine, these characters are Not Mine. They belong to a lot of terribly important and official people who work for big companies and get salaries and basically aren’t me. Suing me for copyright infringement would be pointless and unprofitable, I swear. A weevil once bit my sister.

TORCHWOOD DOES DALLAS

”You cannot just run away, Jack,” Gwen begged. If Jack’s heart hadn’t already been shattered beyond repair it would have broken at the sight of Gwen’s tear-streaked face.

“Oh, yes I can. Just watch me...”


Jack woke up screaming. It would have been very dramatic if someone who sounded suspiciously like Owen Harper hadn’t immediately hit him in the side of the face and said “Oi, shut it, Harkness!”

Jack stopped screaming and lay still, stunned. He’d finally cracked. The strain of losing Owen, Tosh, Ianto, Steven, the base, and even his freaking pterodactyl for crying out loud had obviously done what being buried alive for two thousand years hadn’t been able to accomplish.

He was completely insane.

And also, he had to admit, a little miffed at his subconscious for saddling him with an undead Owen Harper, again.

There was a very familiar groan somewhere off to his left, and Ianto’s voice said “Oh, my head...”

Jack forgave his subconscious immediately.

“Ianto!” he said joyfully, sitting up. Abruptly, he realized that a) he was naked and b) so were Owen, Ianto, Tosh, and Gwen, all sprawled on the floor around him looking thoroughly debauched.

Jack decided to send his subconscious flowers. This was the best mental breakdown ever.

Ianto looked blearily up at him. “What are you looking so cheerful about?” he asked grouchily.

“You’re alive!” Jack cheered, mauling him happily. Ianto flailed briefly, then sighed in resignation and just lay back and took it.

“Agh, what happened?” Tosh moaned. Jack gave Ianto one last hickey and pounced on Owen, who shrieked.

“Don’t worry, Tosh, you’re next! Free kisses for all teammates!”

“Oh,” Tosh said flatly. “Now I remember.”

Gwen carefully pushed herself upright and slumped against the couch. “God, I’m sore. What was that thing?”

“Alien sex toy,” Owen said, finally managing to fend Jack off.

“Oh, not again...” Gwen sighed.

“And I think it’s still working!” Owen added, sounding vaguely impressed, as Jack flung himself at Tosh.

“No, no, don’t worry about it,” Jack said, cuddling Tosh thoroughly. “I’m just having a mental breakdown. None of you are really here, so you don’t have to worry.” He was fairly sure that hadn’t made much sense, but he didn’t particularly care.

His teammates traded tense, foreboding looks.

“Okay,” Gwen said brightly, giving everyone extremely un-reassuring smiles. “Let’s make sure that device is off and not sending out any crazy vibes, yeah? Tosh, sweetheart, why don’t you keep an eye on Jack for a moment?”

“What?!” Tosh yelped, her voice somewhat muffled.

Jack beamed at all of them. “This is very realistic. I’m impressed,” he said to no one in particular. He watched fondly as Ianto began methodically destroying the alien sex toy with a hammer, and Gwen and Owen both came to the simultaneous realization that they were naked. There was a brief scuffle over Jack’s coat – the only piece of clothing still nearby and in one piece – which Gwen won. Owen sulked off to the medical bay, probably in search of scrubs.

“Jack?” Tosh asked in her talking-to-crazy-people voice. “Why do you think we’re not real?”

Jack sighed and petted Tosh’s hair. “Because I saw you all die.”

“I don’t remember dying, Jack.”

“Well, of course you wouldn’t,” Jack said. “It would be a horrible thing to remember. My subconscious is clearly trying to protect you from it.”

“How did I die?” Gwen asked curiously, coming to sit on the couch near them.

“Actually, you survived, so I’m not really sure why you’re here now,” Jack said slowly. “You even got pregnant. By Rhys!” He added hastily, at Gwen’s horrified look.

Ianto appeared in the doorway to Jack’s office, impeccably dressed and holding a pile of clothing and blankets. Jack admired the view for a moment. It was possible that Dream Ianto had even more butler-fu than Real Ianto, which was kind of hot. The hickies visible above his collar really only made it better.

“Clothes,” Ianto offered, handing one pile to Jack and another to the girls. “I’ve done my best with Jack’s wardrobe, although since nothing will fit you very well I’ve blankets too.”

“You’re gorgeous, Ianto,” Tosh said in relief, squirming out of Jack’s grip.

“Is there anything for me?” Owen asked plaintively, dumping a pile of assorted medical scanners on Gwen’s desk.

Ianto handed him a bundle. “Have we decided if we’re real yet?”

“I bloody feel real,” Owen groused, struggling into a pair of Jack’s trousers. “My head is pounding and I think I’ve got friction burns on my back.” There were murmurs of assent from everyone else. “Also...” he paused in doing up his flies and waved one of the scanners in a vague way. It beeped happily. “...this says we’re fine. As in alive.” He dropped it back on Gwen’s desk and continued getting dressed.

“What happened to us in your dream exactly, Jack?” Gwen asked curiously.

Jack sighed. “Well, Owen was shot by Doctor Copley, then I brought him back with the other Resurrection Gauntlet and he spent a while being undead, and then he was really killed when Grey and Captain John came back and blew up Cardiff. The nuclear power plant went critical and he was trapped inside.”

“Captain John came back?” Ianto said, sounding less than thrilled.

“I can’t believe I died twice. That is such a stupid dream,” Owen muttered.

“Who’s Grey?” Tosh asked.

“Grey is my long-lost brother,” Jack said uncomfortably. “He shot you in the stomach and you bled to death in the autopsy room.”

“Oh,” Tosh said faintly. “Well. That must have been... at least I didn’t get hit by a lorry or something.”

“You were so brave,” Jack said sadly. “Really. You saved the day, Tosh, even though you were hurt.” Tosh looked pleased.

“What about me?” Ianto said hesitantly.

“You were killed by an alien virus. You died in my arms.”

Ianto looked horrified. “Was it... sappy?”

“It was very touching!” Jack said indignantly. “I cried!”

“What about Gwen?” Owen asked.

“Oh, I survived,” Gwen said smugly. “And apparently I had a baby.”

They all stared.

“With Rhys!”

“Well, I feel alive,” Ianto said decisively. “Therefore I will continue to assume that I am. Would anyone like coffee?”

“What, that’s it?” Jack said, a little upset at the anticlimax.

“Yes. You had a very vivid post-coital dream, Jack. Which,” Ianto continued blithely, starting to tidy up, “had several plot holes, I just have to say.”

“It wasn’t a dream!” Jack protested. “It was way too realistic, you’re definitely all dead. Um. What plot holes, exactly?”

“Well, for instance, where did you get the gauntlet you used to resurrect Owen?”

“It was hidden in a church,” Jack said triumphantly. “I had to fight my way through, like, twenty Weevils.”

“In fact, that is incorrect,” Ianto said smoothly, folding Tosh’s ripped shirt and placing it on a pile of other ruined clothing to be used for dusters. “One gauntlet was destroyed by us when Suzie came back to life, and the other is currently on display in a museum in New York. They have pictures of it on the internet,” he added when Jack looked sceptical. “Additionally, I would not be sappy while dying, thank you very much.”

“You wanted to be sure I’d remember you,” Jack protested, somewhat affronted by Ianto’s dismissal.

“I am not dignifying that with a response,” Ianto said loftily. “Of course you’ll remember me. I don’t need any reassurance on that front.”

“This is better than telly,” Gwen whispered loudly to Tosh. “Do we have popcorn?”

“Jack’s subconscious killed me twice?” Owen asked again.

“If wishing made it so,” Tosh murmured to no-one in particular.

“And, come to think of it,” Ianto continued. “How did I contract an alien virus?”

“We were negotiating with a race of aliens called the 456,” Jack said, sounding a little steamrollered. “They released the virus into Thames House and killed everyone. I died too,” he added, as if hoping that would make it better.

“Did we know they could do that?” Ianto asked curiously.

“No. Well. They’d sort of threatened it before, but this time the alien was in an airtight tank thing...”

Ianto put his hands on his hips. “They released a virus from inside an airtight tank thing? And I find it hard to believe I wasn’t at least wearing a Haz-Mat suit of some kind.”

“Well...” Jack stammered, and then trailed off. “Um. Those are good points.”

“It was aaaaall a dream,” Owen said sarcastically. “And you were there, and you were there...”

“You died bravely, too,” Jack said, a little forlornly. “Both times. It was very noble, actually.”

“I better have,” Owen sniffed, but he looked mollified.

“Jack,” Ianto said firmly. “It was a dream. It’s okay. It’s all over now, and I’ll make some coffee. Anyone need retcon?”

“Might need some for Rhys, later,” Gwen said, grimacing. “I’m not sure he’s going to buy ‘an alien sex machine made us do it’ as an excuse for infidelity.”

“Weeeell,” Ianto said, looking awkward.

“What?”

“Um,” Jack said, staring intently at anything that wasn't Gwen. “He’s, uh... in my office.”

Gwen stuck her head into Jack’s office and jerked back, looking stunned. “Jack!”

“He came by to bring you lunch right before Owen set off the machine,” Jack said defensively. “He has nice eyes!”

There was a groan from inside the office.

“Better run these readings,” Owen said, grabbing his scanners and hotfooting it to the medical bay.

“Strange energy signatures on the Plass!” Tosh yelped, not even bothering to glance at her computer for verisimilitude.

“Ianto, I need your help in the archives right now,” Jack said, grabbing Ianto by the collar.

“But – coffee – “ Ianto gasped as he was manhandled down the stairs with unseemly speed.

“Thanks a lot!” Gwen shouted at their retreating backs. “Er... hello, sweetheart...”

“I’m not sure the Archives was the best choice of hiding spot, Jack,” Ianto panted as they concealed themselves between Ra and Sz. “How are we going to know when it’s clear?”

“Listen,” Jack said. There was a faint but audible bellow from upstairs.

“Ah,” Ianto said, smiling slightly. “I suppose we should be grateful they both have such loud - Jack, you just had an orgy!” he protested as Jack snuggled up behind him and slipped his hand inside Ianto’s waistcoat.

“I need to be reassured you’re alive,” Jack said plaintively. Ianto twisted around in Jack’s hold to face him, resting his hands on Jack’s hips.

“I’m definitely alive, Jack.”

“And you don’t feel insecure about our relationship?” Jack pressed. “I know a lot more about your life than you know about mine. That must feel...”

“...Kind of normal, considering you’re about twenty times older than I am and thus have twenty times as many life experiences,” Ianto said logically. “I’m not insecure, Jack.” He smiled softly. “You come back to me. You wouldn’t come back to me if you didn’t want to be here.”

Jack beamed and nuzzled his neck. “That was way sappy, snookums.”

“Shut up.”

FINIS

AUTHOR’S NOTE THE SEQUEL: Regarding the title of this fic: “Dallas” was a long-running American TV soap opera, now mostly famous for the way it unexpectedly retconned an entire season by having one of the main characters wake up one morning to realize the previous year had just been a dream. Additionally, there is an old, infamous porn movie called “Debbie Does Dallas”, and I couldn’t resist the combination. Why yes, I am actually quite proud of puns that bad. ;-)

Other stories in the series thus far:

Saving the World (a.k.a. The One With Time Travel)
Sometimes The Best Man For The Job Is An Alien Pterodactyl (a.k.a. Minor Character To The Rescue)
Following Orpheus (a.k.a. The One That Could Actually Work)
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
capedcrusader92: IantoDirtyThoughtscapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 05:02 pm (UTC)
Yay, Thank you!
ally_p_xally_p_x on August 17th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
Brilliant!

I laughed all the way through, especially this bit:

And also, he had to admit, a little miffed at his subconscious for saddling him with an undead Owen Harper, again.


We must chat more if this is what you come up with! Thanks for the shout out to my effort *hugs*
capedcrusader92: IantoPlancapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC)
Yes, definitely - I'd like that!

*hugs back*

How'd I do on the Brit bits? ;-)
ally_p_xally_p_x on August 17th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC)
So would I, will email you.

The Brit bits were fine :-)
capedcrusader92: IantoToshBraincapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
Yay! ;-)
Soledad: blueplanetwiseheart on August 17th, 2009 07:01 pm (UTC)
Yesss! More power to you! Who said denial was just a river in Egypt?
Where Torchwood is considered, denial is the way of life!
capedcrusader92: TorchwoodLostAnimcapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 07:35 pm (UTC)
I love denial! I bring rubber duckies and wear water wings. ;-)
michele659: iantojack-iwontletyougomichele659 on August 17th, 2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
This was wonderful-I couldn't stop laughing!
I think one of the funniest things was Ianto telling Jack that his dream had a lot of plotholes,lol,and then proceeded to tell him what they were.

I loved it all- especially Ianto's reactions to this:
"You wanted to be sure I’d remember you,” Jack protested, somewhat affronted by Ianto’s dismissal.

“I am not dignifying that with a response,” Ianto said loftily. “Of course you’ll remember me. I don’t need any reassurance on that front.”
and this:
“And, come to think of it,” Ianto continued. “How did I contract an alien virus?”
“We were negotiating with a race of aliens called the 456,” Jack said, sounding a little steamrollered. “They released the virus into Thames House and killed everyone. I died too,” he added, as if hoping that would make it better.
“Did we know they could do that?” Ianto asked curiously.
“No. Well. They’d sort of threatened it before, but this time the alien was in an airtight tank thing...”
Ianto put his hands on his hips. “They released a virus from inside an airtight tank thing? And I find it hard to believe I wasn’t at least wearing a Haz-Mat suit of some kind.”
“Well...” Jack stammered, and then trailed off. “Um. Those are good points.”
LOL-yes,those ARE good points,Ianto-and you're right to snort in disbelief at them!
Also,the image of Ianto calmly folding ripped clothes for dusters made me giggle,because I could so see him do that :)

Are you going to do one where you describe the orgy? (I'm shallow that way) :)
capedcrusader92: IantoDirtyThoughtscapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! The plotholes scene was actually the first one that popped into my head... don't ask me how it turned into an orgy, I'm really not sure how that happened.

As for writing the orgy itself - I think that might be a bit daunting for my first attempt at a sex scene! Which is to say... we'll see. ;-)
hab318princesshab318princess on August 17th, 2009 09:23 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed that *grins*
capedcrusader92: DeadMorguecapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC)
I'm glad!! *grins back*
vegetarian zombie: TW: Jack/Ianto: time after timeedibleflowers on August 17th, 2009 10:11 pm (UTC)
Bwah. I love the way they point out all the (very true) holes in the plot themselves, it's perfect. And Rhys in the office and everyone scattering, hee! But I love this bit best:

“...Kind of normal, considering you’re about twenty times older than I am and thus have twenty times as many life experiences,” Ianto said logically. “I’m not insecure, Jack.” He smiled softly. “You come back to me. You wouldn’t come back to me if you didn’t want to be here.”

This is exactly how I see them. Jack is capable of being with someone if he wants to be, and his actions over the course of S2, especially, show that he wants to be with Ianto in a real relationship. As much as they can have within Torchwood, anyway. This really is how CoE should have ended. ;)
capedcrusader92: JackNekkidcapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 10:41 pm (UTC)
I had so much fun with the humour in this, sometimes I had to stop and remind myself I actually had a point I was trying to get across, too. ;-)

I agree with you completely about their relationship. Ianto walked into it with his eyes pretty wide open, so it seems contradictory to have him getting all clingy and insecure now. Also, Jack has waaaay too much experience with the immortal-nonimmortal relationship dynamics to be weird about it.

I think CoE should have ended like this, if only because we could have seen everyone naked. ;-)
lemniskate: timbertrick action figures in lovelemniskate on August 17th, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)
I - oh my god, there aren't WORDS. I was SHOUTING as I read this, it's so hilarious and funny and amazing and apparently capable of leaving me redundant ;) I LOVE THIS. it's the most awesome thing.
capedcrusader92: TenthGroupHugcapedcrusader92 on August 17th, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC)
*preens* Thank you so much!! ;-)
mcparrotmcparrot on August 18th, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
I got the Dallas thing :-) Does that tell you anything about how old I am?
Snorting my coffee funny
Thank you
If only it were that easy to reset.
BTW - heard that Gareth is growing his hair long cause he knows he doesn't have to have it short for Ianto any more. So - no obvious about face going to happen any time soon
capedcrusader92: JackSwishyCoatcapedcrusader92 on August 18th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
Well, that's disappointing. We could... have hippie!Ianto?

I'm glad somebody got the Dallas thing! I felt incredibly clever when I thought of it... and then I realized I was probably going to be the only one who knew what I was talking about. ;-)
snufflesdbear (Tamy)(Allie the Sylum Gator): flyShadBuddiessnufflesdbear on August 18th, 2009 12:35 pm (UTC)
*blushes* oh, I got it. Was thinking it during the episode, too. In both connotations.
capedcrusader92: DickHandAssAnimcapedcrusader92 on August 18th, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
Lol! Torchwood just lends itself to porny titles. I mean, come on... "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang"? ;-)
snufflesdbear (Tamy)(Allie the Sylum Gator): flyLOLsnufflesdbear on August 18th, 2009 11:45 am (UTC)
OMG This was fantastic, and exactly what I needed today. Yesterday was such a fuckup, I could not deal with something serious today, so went hunting. I will save your more serious effort for later.

But, this? This cracktastic-funfilled Orgy Story? *nods* my new canon *nods very decisively*

Can I rec to others? (do you have it elsewhere, or just here?)
capedcrusader92: IantoOmniscientcapedcrusader92 on August 18th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
Absolutely, rec away! This is the only place it's posted thus far, and I don't really have any daring crossposting plans.

I'm so glad it made your day better! ;-)
jsks on August 18th, 2009 12:33 pm (UTC)
giggle fest going on now.
capedcrusader92: BeetleGleecapedcrusader92 on August 18th, 2009 10:53 pm (UTC)
Yay!
bakartibakarti on August 20th, 2009 04:26 am (UTC)
This is hysterically funny, and also incredibly true. I love how it points out all the plot holes and inconsistencies in CoE.
capedcrusader92: MaxGuiltycapedcrusader92 on August 20th, 2009 11:47 am (UTC)
Thank you! I had a lot of fun poking the plot holes and making them cry. ;-)
ceindreadh: hysterical 143ceindreadh on August 23rd, 2009 12:38 am (UTC)
I think you just won the internet!
I'll deliver your prize when i pick myself up off the floor ;-)
capedcrusader92: IantoPlancapedcrusader92 on August 24th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC)
*polishes internet* Ooooo, shiiiiny... ;-)
Freeky DJ: All Have Sexfreekydj on December 13th, 2009 06:49 pm (UTC)
OMG, this is even funnier than the Myfanwy story! I giggled all the way through, then nearly choked on my coffee when Jack said Rhys was there too! Loved the pokes at plot holes.
galaxysoup: JackNekkidgalaxysoup on December 13th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha, putting Rhys in there was a disturbing amount of fun. You know he'd enjoy it, even if he'd never admit it!
That first step was the hardest: Torchwood: where harassment is traditionspringandsummer on March 12th, 2010 12:51 pm (UTC)
I wish I had friends who were into Torchwood, because I would use the line "I had to fight my way through, like, twenty Weevils" at every possible opportunity.
galaxysoup: JackNekkidgalaxysoup on April 8th, 2010 11:11 am (UTC)
I love your icon!
The Cleaverage: frozenkel_reiley on April 8th, 2010 04:33 am (UTC)
OH LOL! this is fantastically hilarious
(i DO love the title, as well)
galaxysoup: CarlGeniusgalaxysoup on April 8th, 2010 11:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! I was kind of embarrassingly proud of myself for that one... ;-)
badly_knitted: LOLbadly_knitted on May 3rd, 2011 03:10 pm (UTC)
This is quite obviously EXACTLY what happened - Jack's subconscious is very bad at plotting and as he was feeling guilty about the orgy, it conjured up a dream in which he pretty much failed everyone who mattered most to him in order to make himself suffer *nods* It makes perfect sense! I can now happily completely ignore CoE because it was all just a figment of Jack's guilty conscience. I feel so much better now that's settled =D
galaxysoup: IantoCensoredgalaxysoup on May 23rd, 2011 04:12 pm (UTC)
That is pretty much the exact reason I wrote this. ;-) It was a dream, it was all a dream! Gee, Jack's got some issues - good thing his team's still there... *happy in Denialand* ;-)